To have Children or Not?
I've been struggling with this question recently. I've always been scared to death to have kids. It's such a huge responsibility. What if I completely screw them up? But the past year or so, I've really been feeling the tug of motherhood and decided I do want to have a baby. And then, just last week I had a scare with running out of birth control and really evaluated how I would feel if I got pregnant. I was terrified. I don't want to give up my life that I know now to raise a kid. I want to spend more time with just Armand and me so we can do all the things we want to do while we're still young. A kid would just get in the way... But then I read this article by focus on the family's Dr. James Dobson. It's a pretty long article, but it's really good. http://www.focusaction.org/Articles/A000000239.cfm It really convicted me about how selfish I am and how culture is trying to convince us that we can have a more fulfilling life without kids. Children are truly a blessing from God, and if I'm so selfish that I would rather do things that I think are fun rather than receive a wonderful blessing from God, than I'm messed up. (I already knew I was messed up, though) Anyway, I'm going to be praying that God prepares my heart for accepting His wonderful gift of children when the time comes. (and hopefully that time will be at least after I'm living with Armand)
posted by Jelaine @ 9:05 AM
40 Comments:
Interesting thought. I had a LONG discussion with one of my friends over whether or not I should give up my Ph.D. to stay home with my (future) kids. She says "yes," and I say "no."
I would definitely not give up your PhD, but I would make sure that whatever job you have because of your PhD should not take precedence over your (future) kids. My mom did a great job being a full time mom AND being a full time employee. You can do it, too.
A question for the ages. I think it takes a great about of maturity to really tackle the question of kids. Not every person is 'destined' to receive the blessings of kids and not every person should. I think searching and finding the answer to the question of kids is one of the three pillars of maturity in a marriage.
J
Very profound dear!
Jelaine- it is definitely a sign of maturity to consider the blessings as well as the ramifications of having children. I haven't yet read the article, but I'm going to.
We are sure we want children, no question. Thankfully we agree on this and always have, but it is for sure an individual choice. I don't think it is selfish to at least want to live with your spouse though! ;)
Holly
J what are the other 2 pillars of maturity in marriage?
I've been trying to come up with a good response that doesn't make me sound selfish, but so far, it isn't working. I just don't see it in the cards for us, that's all.
Here's a little help for Trey...
One of the biggest reasons I've decided not to have my own biological child is that the world is overpopulated and we are straining the Earth and it's natural resources as it is. By not having a child ourselves, we're making sure that the Earth is a little bit nicer for folks who do have babies.
Other reasons I have are selfish, but if you look at it that way, many people who have children cite selfish reasons for having them. If I ever change my feeling, which is not likely seeing as I've felt this way for a good 10 years now, I think adoption would be the right answer considering the number of unwanted children in this world.
Many people I've talked to over the years have indicated regret at having children, or have said that if they could do life over they'd not have children. Other people have told me that I will regret not having children. I think it's much better to regret not having children than to regret having them...
I think the three pillars (why I ever called them that, I don't know) are communicating about roles, kids and money. In my opinion a mature marriage is one in which you have and continue to freely communicate on the roles of a man and woman in the home, community, church and life. You both agree on the if and whens of children. And finally you are mature enough to combine your money together for the 'family' and agree on how you will spend and save it together. Again my opinion on the pillars!
Justin, I think if everyone kept the pillars in mind there would be fewer divorces in this country...
Jelaine, I don't know if you truly wanted people's opinion on kids or not, but it seems you've gotten some. So, here's mine...
God called us to populate the world, to procreate and to raise our children in God-fearing homes, to love, trust and obey Him, spreading His word to all the nations. No, I'm not speaking in Old Testament terms. I believe this is still His call for us and that our priority should not be what this Earth is but what our eternal home will be. That said, I would rather have a van full of Christian children than a tree in my yard.
Holly
One last thing and I'll shut up - all I'm saying is that we're not being very good custodians of the beautiful planet God created for us to inhabit and care for, which I think is disrespectful and irreverent. Studies have been done to showing the amount of waste that is not created if couples have one fewer child, which is really much better for the planet. I'm all for people having kids, just not an overabundance of them - we're lucky to have lots of room and natural resources in the US, but that's not the case everywhere and won't be here for long.
The decision to have children or not is a personal one.
The only thing that I can add to the discussion, is that the single most important thing I have done in my life, is to raise 4 children into independent, productive members of society. These 4 young adults (and their spouses) are the light of my life.
Certainly my life would have been easier if I had less children, or had none at all, but I have absolutely no regrets. In fact, if money had not been a problem, I would have liked to have had 2 more.
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